I thought I should do an update for those of you concerned about me. (See previous posts if you have no idea what I'm talking about) This week I cleared my schedule as much as possible to allow for space and time to relax. This has meant canceling events, asking others to adjust their plans and just staying home. I had help taking care of Aria everyday this week. There were a few times that I felt myself start to get anxious and shaky so I took a valium and soon calmed down. I have increased my Citalopram dosage and taken a valium 4 of the past 6 days. I have felt calm return to my life and my mind. I hadn't realized it was missing until I felt it return. I can now sit and color with Aria, wash dishes, sew etc. without my thoughts running wild. It feels good. I am still processing my "breakdown" trying to learn from it so that I can cope better in the future. Usually my anxiety is very specific. I worry about germs in relation to the food I eat/cook and keeping my hands clean. I think the main reason I was not able to cope with my anxiety at the time was because it was not caused by a usual offender. It seemed like everything around me was closing in, people and sounds were overwhelming and I was experiencing extreme back pain. Normally I can ease my anxiety by controlling my habits but I couldn't control the environment or people around me in the middle of Target. The other stressor for me was having Aria with me. I have never been that anxious before while also being in charge of caring for someone besides myself. I do not anticipate this happening again but it eases my mind to make a plan of action in case it should. I know that I get shaky if I am starting to get anxious. If I ever feel that happen and I am calm enough to drive I would leave immediately and take Aria home. If not I would call Joel or a friend to come and pick us up. If necessary I would go to small, quiet place like the dressing rooms in order to calm down. If I felt like I was completely loosing it I would alert an employee and ask for help. Again I don't anticipate or worry about another breakdown but I need to tell myself that it is ok to stop what I'm doing and leave. It is ok to cancel plans with friends if I need to because they know me well enough to not take it personally. My mental health is important and I clearly need to give myself a little more space in the future.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support! Please continue to pray for energy. I am really tired. Last night I wanted to go to bed at 7:15 but I managed to stay awake until 8. That is the third time this week that I went to bed that early.
The best advice I received this week was to relax at home with tea, listen to calming music and trust that it would get better. I am feeling a little better each day and I am hopeful that I will be back to myself soon.