Just as I had begun to regain my footing after struggling with depression my anxiety has come on full force. Depression makes my days more difficult but my anxiety can be crippling. If you have never had anxiety it will be difficult for you to understand. If you have anxiety, I'm sorry...but you will understanding what an exhausting battle it can be. For me it is almost like trying to live two lives at once, real life and the storyline going on inside my head. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. Each moment is filled with thoughts of fear, anxiety and even anger. Regular tasks are overwhelming as I am trying not to panic or freak out over very small things. Anxiety makes me self-centered, impatient and unhappy. I want to avoid people and food and any decision making which would basically require me to run away from my day to day life.
I am so thankful that I know I have anxiety and depression. The years that I didn't know were much more difficult to cope. Now I can identify the crazy going on and fight back. I fight the lies running through my head with truth. I know that these fears are not in line with the person that God created me to be. I know that fear is not from God. I know that loving and serving people is my purpose. I know that peace and joy and patience come from God.
The devotional I read this morning contained Psalm 121 which says,
"I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Today I will not let the anxiety win. I will continue to fight the good fight knowing that God is with me. My prayer for myself, and anyone else struggling, is that God will wrap his arms around me and surround me with angels to help me win this battle. Remove the anxiety and fear and leave joy and peace in their place.